As the football season comes to an end I am searching for something big to fill that void. I am hoping that Hockey can fill that dark orifice left deep inside me in the absence of all of those football players.
The Process for Selection
I have a number of situations that teams have to make it through in order to become my favorite hockey team. I will continue to eliminate teams until there is one team standing; my new favorite team. Becoming my favorite hockey team comes with a number of perks. You get my undying support, however, you will only maintain my interest as long as you are fun to watch (San Francisco Giants, make some offseason moves bro).
The categories are as follows:
– Best Logos
– Would I actually want to visit that city?
– Has this team been linked to racism in any way?
– Does the logo look like a penis?
– Rambling Reasoning
– Final Three
– The Decision
Primary logos for all NHL teams were sorted into four categories: Great, Good, OK, Bad. Because there are other factors at play later on, I have decided to eliminate the teams that fall within the bad column.
Sorry to Anaheim, Arizona (Phoenix?), Calgary, Carolina, Columbus, Florida, New Jersey, Ottawa, and Dallas. You have been eliminated.
Would I Actually Want to Visit This City?
Being on the West Coast, many of these places would be a pain to visit. There are quite a few places that I can’t imagine that I would ever visit. I have no idea in what scenario I would ever go to Buffalo, Edmonton, Pittsburgh, Winnipeg, New York (Long Island?) or Detroit. Those teams are out.
Some places landed on here because there is a slim chance I could go there. Drake seems to like Toronto quite a bit. Vince Carter did some dunks there. The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia. Minnesota has a huge mall. St. Louis was home to the great home run race of 1998.
The yes column is full of places I have either been to, or could imagine myself visiting. I have been to Vancouver, Tampa Bay, Los Angeles, and San Jose. I could imagine myself wanting to go to Nashville, Colorado (Denver), Washington, and Vegas at some point.
The other remaining teams are in the “Yes I would want to visit that city” column because they are attached to a historic baseball team or stadium (Boston, Chicago, New York).
We have the following lucky teams remaining; Chicago, Vancouver, Boston, New York, Tampa Bay, Philadelphia, Philadelphia, Colorado, Los Angeles, Nashville, San Jose, Vegas, and Washington.
Has This Team Been Linked to Racism in Any Way?
This section of the of the selection process is where I really wanted to take a look at who I am as a person. What do I value? How do I want to be perceived? Answer: Not as a racist.
I will simply type location and name of the team, followed by the word “racist” in google to see what pops up.
Yikes. While I applaud the Blackhawks for banning the fans, I simply do not want to be associated with this kind of fandom. Chicago is out.
Oh man, Boston is out.
This article looked intriguing. I decided to check it out. In an incredible turn of events, two teams were simultaneously eliminated.
Apparently, this guy was suspended in the minor leagues twice for saying something that was either homophobic, racist, or sexist. Sounds like a poor bet to support a team with this kind of a personality this day in age. Tampa Bay is out for drafting him, New York is out for acquiring him.
Time to Reflect…
At this point, I was wondering if I would ever find a favorite hockey team. I had already eliminated many teams for looking like they had logos that were a combination of XFL teams and teams from the Madden football relocation team generator. Beyond that I was starting to understand that there may be a racism problem in hockey. I had only googled three teams and the word racist, and I ended up eliminating four teams in the process.
The latest teams to be eliminated are; Chicago, Boston, New York and Tampa Bay. We are left with the following teams; Vancouver, Colorado, Los Angeles, Nashville, San Jose, Vegas, Minnesota, Washington, Philadelphia, Toronto and St. Louis. At this point I decided to pivot away from the racism searches and try a new approach.
Does a Silhouette of the Logo Kind of Look Like a Penis?
Let’s evaluate the penises I discovered within the logos. Vancouver is rocking huge balls with a floppy schlong. Washington is going with triple dicks. Philadelphia is chodey. Toronto is flying with an aerial view. St. Louis has a pretty regular looking boner, with some possible flames coming out of the top.
I am not surprised that there are hidden penises in some NHL Logos. People have been hiding penises in artwork for years. While I appreciate the Easter egg within these logos, I simply do not want to be made fun of because dick jokes are so easy to make.
We are left with: Colorado, Nashville, Los Angeles, Vegas, San Jose and Minnesota.
Now we get to the point where I can’t really categorize my thought process, we just have to filter through some nonsense to eliminate a few more teams.
Nashville – Your team is called the Predators. Brings to mind other kinds of Predators. Not a good look. Nashville is out.
Vegas – For a new team, you were incredibly successful in your first year. However, and I can’t take credit for this, it was recently brought to my attention that the Vegas uniform resembles that of a German WWII uniform. Vegas is out.
Minnesota – Teams from Minnesota are constantly talking about Prince, or how Prince was from Minnesota. Straight-up, I don’t care about Prince and his music was garbage. He was an odd looking little dude. Minnesota is out.
It is time to make a decision. I have missed the early signing period and teams are starting to make plans without me. While I do value all that each city has to offer, I have to go with my heart here. Being that I am originally from the Bay Area…