Skip to content
Advertisements

Pissing Out My Asshole: Diarrhea At Disneyland And My Clash With Kaiser Permanente

“I have no optimism that anything I do will end this diarrhea and I haven’t shit like a normal human since Sunday Morning.”
– Me, to my Kaiser Permanente Doctor

Background

As a pre-diabetic with a Coca-Cola addiction, Disneyland is a risky place for me to visit.  There are not many places on earth that have as many temptations and justifications around every turn.  Temptations being sugar-based food items, the justification being I am on vacation and walked a lot today. For some, Disneyland is a place of wonders. For me, I was wondering why I had such violent diarrhea.

When you’re almost 30 years old, there is nobody that can tell you what kind of garbage food you can or cannot buy from the numerous kiosks around the park. Even when your family tells you that you’re going to be sick, in your heart you know that you have trained for moments like this. Weekends laying belly up drinking two-liters of Coke have all been in preparation for this kind of sugar intake.

Long story short, I was not prepared for what was about to come.

It Begins

After our second day at the park I went to bed, content. My family and I had a great day and we were looking forward to one more before heading home.

I awoke that night – in a panic. The bathroom of the Airbnb had no idea what was coming for it. I sat on the toilet and evacuated my insides with a fury. I felt like I was going to lift off of the toilet like I was riding one of those water hover boards. After the initial barrage I thought I was done, but the worst was yet to come.

Just when I thought I had shit out my entire insides, the rest of what was left was coming out the other way. I hadn’t flushed the toilet yet because my two year old nephew was sleeping in the room next to the bathroom. I was trying to be quiet. Unfortunately there is no way to be quiet when you are in that kind of battle.

I really did not want to throw up. I had spent at least $20 on fountain Cokes that day and didn’t want to waste it. My vote didn’t count. It was coming.

I called for my mom on the phone. She was downstairs – it was a large Airbnb.

There I was, pant-less, on the bathroom floor. Almost 30-years old on a family trip to Disneyland. My head buried in a diarrhea filled toilet. This would have been a good time to evaluate where my life was at. However, there is not much time to think when you are firing from both ends.

My Mom entered the bathroom and scolded me. “I told you not to eat so much sugar, look what you did.”

“Mom, I think I’m dying,” I replied.

“Be quiet you are going to wake (Nephew) up,” laugh-talked my mom.

In walks my sister-in-law. She’s pissed. I’m still a mess on the floor.

“Be quiet – if you wake up (Nephew) I am going to kill you,” shush-shrieked my sister-in-law.

“I feel like shit,” I moaned back.

“I don’t give a shit, if you wake up (Nephew) you are staying up with him until he goes back to bed,” she said.

Everyone went back to bed. My battle continued for a while after that.

The Next Day

As I sat there grinding in the bathroom under the Hungry Bear Restaurant, I wondered out-loud if this would ever stop. Through the constant opening of the bathroom door I could hear the natural and unnatural sounds of Splash Mountain a few hundred yards away. I echoed those same sounds in that Hungry Bear restroom.

My family had come to the park earlier that day without me. I stayed in bed for a while hoping I would be able to join them later on.

I got up for the day feeling a bit better. I still had diarrhea – but could deal. My asshole was raw. My asshole was so raw that I bought a bidet when I got home.

I walked over to the park in the afternoon, alone, but was hopeful I could make it through the day. I had a breakfast of Immodium; nothing was going to end my family vacation early.

With my sandpapery-buttcheeks and toilet paper infused chafe-storm I was very uncomfortable. We only had one day left so I thought I could tough it out. I found my family and all seemed right with the world. We were at Disneyland – the happiest place on earth.

With a guh-gunk, my stomach dropped. I needed to get to the bathroom – fast.

As I entered the stall of the Hungry Bear restroom I knew that I had lost the battle. Little did I know – the battle had just begun.

The Flight Home

Luckily this was uneventful. I think the Immodium had finally worked. I honestly considered carpet taping my butt-cheeks together like Tony Siragusa – luckily it never came to that.

The Clash

I came home, and it was like my body knew that I was home. I walked in the door and had to sprint to a toilet. Oh no, it’s back.

I am happy to work for a company that provides health insurance, and I totally abuse it. I go in for anything all of the time and demand they give me antibiotics immediately so I am cured. I think Kaiser Permanente knew they had me in a tough spot – they had the upper hand this time.

I missed work for a week. The doctor was concerned that I had diarrhea for so many days. They wanted me to submit a stool sample. I had to shit into a cup.

I was provided a kit that resembled the product City Kitty that I had seen on Shark Tank. I collected the sample. I went to the lab to turn it in.

There is a weird feeling when you arrive at the doctor and walk through the waiting room with a generic brown paper bag. Everyone knows there is something gross in there that needs to be tested. I arrived at the desk of the lab, provided my name, and prepared to hand over the goods.

The guy at the lab said “ehhh,” as I handed him the bag and he gave me a dismissive wave. He made an elaborate display of putting his gloves on before accepting my deposit. I walked out of the waiting room, through the sea of middle-aged white-women staring at me, in a fog of shame.

The Correspondence

My test result came in last night. However, I am unable to see the result. Where it should say “positive” or “negative” it just says “see note”.

– Me, to my Kaiser Permanente Doctor

Hi Buzz,


The test was not performed, because the sample you submitted was formed stool (as opposed to loose stool from diarrhea), and the test is only run on liquid stool.

-Kaiser Doctor

I really wish that test had been performed, as I am back to pissing out of my asshole today. I have no optimism that anything I do will end this diarrhea and I haven’t shit like a normal human since Sunday Morning.

– Me, to my Kaiser Permanente Doctor

Hi Buzz, 
I have ordered the test again as well as a stool culture and an ova and parasite exam to look for other infections from bacteria or parasites. You can come by the lab to pick up the stool tests.

– Kaiser Doctor

You fucking kidding me? They wanted me to do the “City Kitty” again? I would have to parade the brown bag of excrement through the sea of middle-aged white-women to the guy with the gloves?

You may ask yourself – what did you do now, Buzz? What was the plan?

My plan was simple. I got better over the next few days and totally forgot about it.

– Buzz

Categories

Best Of, Life

Advertisements

One thought on “Pissing Out My Asshole: Diarrhea At Disneyland And My Clash With Kaiser Permanente Leave a comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: