I have learned a number of things throughout my time as an eligible bachelor. There are the worn-out and over-used ways to approach women, and then there are the productive and creative ways to approach women. Recently I have turned to the latter. I want to catch a woman’s attention and draw into their interests. I want them to gasp and say, “damn”, when they read my opener.
Without further ado, I have turned to the dating app – Hinge – to test my luck on the Portland dating scene. All messages appear as they were sent, I will provide responses in a future blog.
Alexis: She clearly is proud of her tattoos. What better way to catch her attention than to show a true interest in her body-art. Relationships are more of a partnership – she brings the art to the table, I bring the coloring book skills to the table. The question is, will she let me draw on her? Time will tell.
Rachel: She seems flexible. Flexible enough to find a way to not have to sit down on a disgusting toilet seat in a public restroom. Is she just showing off, or is she an innovator?
Chey: First of all – that can’t be a real name. She wants to be perceived as an artist, but I discovered what is really going on in this picture. The handprint on her back shoulder would have had to have been her right hand. There is no way her arms can bend like that. There was another party involved in this. That person is being held underwater against their will. Does she let them up for air, or does she continue down this path of no return?
Kayla: Envision this, you and your buddies are out on the golf course, and you are having a great time. You have played a few holes – nobody is playing that well, but hey golf is golf. You make your way to the 7th hole – your pace has been great so far. You arrive at the next tee box and Kayla steps out of her cart. There she is in a dress that is not golf-appropriate and stumbling around in high heels. She is giggling. Her giggle is forced and just too loud. She sets her ball on the tee. It falls off. She laughs. She puts it back on the tee. It falls off – again. Finally, she gets the ball on the tee. She swings and hits the ball 50 yards up and to the left, like a choppy grounder to the shortstop. She gets in her golf cart and doesn’t even offer for you to play through. She giggles as she speeds off. No thanks, Kayla.
Audrey: Many women in Portland have back tattoos. All the more canvases for me to color on. Hopefully someone will bite, I am chomping at the bit for this opportunity. Audrey seems like the kind of cat that would be up for this.
Soledad: My money is on Soledad not using a Clorox wipe on this table after she sat on it. It looks like she has been drinking, probably dropped a juicy fart on this table after she stood up. Pretty disrespectful to whoever has to eat here after she left her (crop) dusting.
Sarah: You could have been the one, but your appetite is too ambitious for my wallet. Soup -$6.95, Salad – $9.95, Sandwich – $11.95. That is $28.85 for her meal alone. You know she’s got a $12.95 drink off to the side – out of the frame. That is over $40. Guess I’m not eating tonight.
Heather: Honest question – please respond.
Hailley: Girl, if you were working – you’d be fired. You can’t be that close to an edge without a harness on. Take one of the extra L’s from you name and give it to me. Your adrenaline-rush-seeking lifestyle is too much for me, and for that reason, our relationship takes a loss.
Madison: Look at that face, you know she farted just now. Below the frame of this image her ass is poked out and there is a tuft of her dress floating up – from the fart. I really appreciate how she is owning it. Possibly even in a foreign country. I hope she responds.
Mikhaila: Too easy, next.
Michelle: I am really hoping someday Michelle will be “MY WIFE” (Borat Voice).
Rachel: Many women are super into cross-fit. Like to the point where that is all they care about. They have their coaches and instagrams, and most of them are really on top of their game. They are all about doing things right. Not Rachel, her form is border-line reckless. That is not how you bench press, not even close. Next time I come across her on Hinge she is going to be in a sling. (That is not a threat, that is because I imagine she is going to tear her shoulder by lifting like this).
Dani: I am trying to imagine the scenario that led up to this picture, and there is no rational way for me to paint the picture. She had to just be like, “I am going to go over to this wall, and turn my head over my should to look at the camera. My butt looks good in this skirt but I also like my face. You get the best of both worlds. Thanks, Dad”.
Victoria: Your mother and father went all out last Christmas. They spent big money and got you the stand-up paddle-board you really wanted. That alone was already too much money. They talked and decided to take things further. They bought a life jacket so their daughter could be safe out on the open water. A life jacket that she doesn’t even wear. Victoria, if you don’t even respect your parents, will you ever respect me?
Zina: You can never be too careful nowadays. I can’t figure out if she is kissing food, a lizard, or a bird. Whatever it is, I hope she got permission. I would hate for her to be labeled as a sexual predator.
That’s all I have for now. Will one of these women be my wife? Will there be a part two to this blog series? Wait and see…